Crazy..

I’m not crazy, I know I’m not. I have issues, yes, everyone does. Mine are just worse because they have stayed inside me, boiling and boiling with no relief. I understand no two people with ever agree on everything. I just want to feel like I am the mother and that I have some say in what is going on with my son, even when he isn’t with me.
It feels like I am being made out to be a bad person. Like I am only ‘picking’ on one side of the family. When, in actuality, I tell my side of the family the same things and they listen, without getting angry or their feelings hurt. I don’t worry when D is with my family because I know they have no problem whatsoever with following through with what I ask. I send his food with him. It’s not saying that they don’t know how to raise him or take care of him, but I feel like it is my responsibility to send him prepared for the day.
I don’t know what else to do at this point. I want to do what I feel is right. I don’t want to worry all weekend thinking, what is my baby eating? Is it something new? Will he have a reaction? Will I be told if he is eating something new? I have my doubts about that last one because I wasn’t told that he was eating something new before. I don’t know what is expected of me. If the expectation is to just close my mouth and let whatever happens happen, then okay. But when something does happen, I will not be the one held responsible for it.
I don’t want my marriage to end. I love my husband more than he will ever understand. He has saved me from so much turmoil and grief. He saved me from becoming a person I would not have been proud of and a person whom my family would have shunned. I have a better life because of him. However, how is a marriage supposed to last when it seems as if everything is just assumed? When I get upset about something, I want to talk about it and work out the issue, not keep it in. My hat is full to the brim with things that I have not talked about, things I have not discussed. If I take anymore in, the hat is going to fall over. I’m afraid when that happens, my marriage will fall with it. I don’t want my husband to ever see me in such a depressed state again. I wasn’t a nice person and he didn’t deserve any of that. If I become that person again, will he still love me? Will he be tired of dealing with it and leave? I wouldn’t blame him if he did.
We had this conversation about a week ago…about needing to talk out our problems, not just letting them sit. I told my husband that if we couldn’t talk about our issues, this marriage won’t last. I expected some sort of emotion or reaction from that, but to my surprise, it didn’t seem like it affected him one bit. I think that’s when I started to really cry. If he had said that to me, I would have freaked out. Now, I’m not saying that’s the reaction I wanted or that I was going for, just wasn’t expecting him to be so okay with me saying that. It feels as if he doesn’t believe it. But, I wasn’t joking. I can’t live in a house where husband and wife can’t communicate. It isn’t a good feeling.
Tomorrow is date night, much needed date night. He decided that we would go back to where we had our second date; at Sneakers and go for a walk on the beach (hopefully it won’t be as cold as it was last time.) I absolutely love that idea. I hope the peacefulness of the beach will help us to start talking more and open up to each other. I want to know why he thinks I’m so crazy.
I couldn’t make it without my husband…I hope he realizes this. I want things to work out, more than I could ever explain through a blog. We have a child we need to be together for and another one that we are planning. If we can’t communicate properly, that second child needs to be put on hold for a little while longer.